(Because overnights cost more)
Miss Conception is the celebrated female delusionist who headlines many Brand g cruises and performs encores in crew quarters. Canada’s chanteuse extraordinaire, she entertains around the globe, including a residencies each year in Puerto Vallarta and Provincetown.
As befits the whirlwind life of a superstar, we got together with the sequined siren at a popular local motel.
Miss C: Put the money on the nightstand.
Brand g: It’s all in fives, like you asked.
Miss C: Good. The liquor store won’t cash a twenty.
Brand g: So, Miss Conception, you’re quite the Broadway Baby.
Miss C: Thank you, it’s my skin care regimen. Keeps me as dewy as a Gilmore Girl.
Brand g: No, I meant you perform many of Broadway’s most iconic showstoppers.
Miss C: Oh, yes, I love the Broadway. As a child, I used to sneak into theatres and pretend to be an usher, but my gold lame leotard and jazz hands kept giving me away.
Brand g: How have Broadway’s leading ladies reacted to your tour-de-force performances of their signature numbers?
Miss C: Patti Lupone met me in a dark alley and took her earrings off. It’s a memory I treasure.
Brand g: You still have the black eye.
Miss C: The original mark faded, so I just punch myself in the face now.
Brand g: In your shows, you do some 20 costume changes right before the audience’s eyes.
Miss C: Yes. And the little perverts are always hoping to catch a glimpse. I should charge more for the front row. (She turns away.) Make a note of that.
She seemed to be speaking to an assistant, but none was present.
Brand g: Rumor has it that you stole your hilarious wigs from Wendy Williams.
Miss C: Just the ones for my Back to Black medley.
Brand g: Some of your most memorable numbers involve the delicate reworking of lyrics by our most treasured composers.
Miss C: I don’t like where this is going.
Brand g: How does the Richard Rodgers estate, for example, feel about your lyrics for My Favorite Things?
Miss C: (She crosses to the window and peers through the window blind.) Well, prior to this moment they weren’t aware of it. (She sits down and smooths her caftan.) But if they knew what Grindr and Manhunt and poppers were, I’m sure they’d be pleased. It’s a version that brings the song into vibrant, contemporary culture.
Brand g: How did you come to be such a beloved entertainer?
Miss C: Well, I clawed my way to the top with a mix of ruthlessness, blackmail and the refusal to take constructive criticism.
Brand g: It seems to have worked.
Miss C: Yes. I have fans who fly to foreign countries just to see me perform.
Brand g: You mean our Brand g cruises?
Miss C: You don’t think they’re coming for the exotic ports and free booze, do you?
Brand g: I guess not.
Miss C: Are we about done, here? There’s a Butterfinger in the vending machine with my name on it.
Brand g: Of course. We want to thank you for taking the time today. It was a true thrill to get to know the lady behind the man behind the…uh…
Miss C: (Peering out the window blind) Uh-oh, here comes Julie Andrews.
Brand g: Why is she carrying a baseball bat?
Miss C: Don’t ask.